I'm not ignoring you, diane....

I got the book tag from you, Diane, but I'm going to have to think about it for a while... :)
Too much *stuff* going on in my head and life right now...
Maybe tomorrow...

Back from the land of disconnected phones....

Well, I am in the process of moving into my mom's (OMG) So I can pay off some of these bills, including the phone bill, which was turned off the same day I posted the last entry, that is why there haven't been any for awhile.
I went to my 20th HS reunion. What made me think that I could get along with those people any better now than I did 20 years ago?? Actually, there were a couple that I enjoyed talking to... But quite a few more that I really didn't care to see again...
Our town had a street dance and beer garden last night. The biggest weekend of the year in this county, every one who graduated here that can come back, does. It was ok. There were several guys who asked me to dance, but frankly dancing on pavement leaves a lot to be desired. Plus, I would have turned them down anyway.
There was this big burly biker, all in leather with a ZZ Top beard, class of 1979, who I wouldn't have minded playing around with a little, but I restrained myself... Went back to Allan and Rhonda's(which is who I went with) 30 minutes before the dance ended even. I had to be at work at 7 am this morning, and I was dead tired.
Talked to Andy for about an hour at the truck wash last evening. He had called me and asked me to come out. I am not cutting him any slack, though, every time he says he misses me I tell him it was his choice, and I am not giving in until I have all of him... I deserve to be first in someone's life, not playing second fiddle to *her*. Ya'll would have been proud of me! LOL

Interesting conversation

Do you know how hard it is to convince a 21 year old good-looking romeo that a woman can be perfectly happy without a man??? Damn hard!!
I have spent loads of time today, talking to Tony, in Germany, and he thinks that I am in denial... What, do they teach them in the army - that women can't survive without a man?? I think not... Maybe he learned that bogus piece of info in his native NYC... hmm...
Tony, Love, you know I'm crazy about you, but there are many happy single women in the world... And why would I need a man? This is the electronic age, you know....*wink, wink* lol
Besides, I have you to flirt with... what more do I need?

FYI

I found this really interesting website...
Check it out, HERE.

In other news...
On May 23, 1934, bank robbers Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were shot to death in a police ambush as they were driving a stolen Ford Deluxe along a road in Bienville Parish, La.

On May 23, 1701 At London's Execution Dock, British privateer William Kidd, popularly known as Captain Kidd, is hanged for piracy and murder.

Dumb and Dumber

I am waaayyy too nice. I think I am going to start acting like the biggest bitch on the face of the planet.
R's truck broke down (again) so I loaned him my car Friday morning to get to work, 30 miles away. He didn't bring it back Friday night, or Saturday morning, and I couldn't get him to answer his cell phone. That was because he was in jail. DUI. Hit a parked car with my car after getting totally drunk. Trashed my car. It is still drivable, but just barely.
Am I just stupid or what?!?!?!?!
He is going to buy it from me. (I am going to get that in writing, too). Of course, I only had liability insurance. I made sure that he is going to be completely out of my house by next week. When I move in with my mom for awhile, I should be able to make vehicle payments fairly easily. I have a friend who has a pick-up for sale that I'm going to go look at.
I still can't believe he would be so stupid to drive when he is that drunk. He had already gone home, but decided he needed a bottle of pop, so he got out again and hit a parked minivan less than half a block from his house.
I am soooo furious!! Between Andy telling me Saturday morning that he was giving his wife a second chance, to getting my trashed car back Saturday evening, I have just had it with being nice.

Hollow

You know, that "Amethyst's Mood" over there is going to stay at "blank" for a long, long time. It would say "Empty", but there isn't that choice on the website.
Jeff disappeared about 2 months ago, and I don't even seem to miss him, but Andy... Andy I am always going to miss.
He decided that since his wife is manic depressive (but refuses to take her medicine) according to the "in sickness and in health" clause in the marriage vows, that he owes her another chance. He is an honorable man, I'll give him that. *sigh* He asked if we could still be friends, and I couldn't tell him no, but talking to him is going to kill me, every time.
Oh well.
Concentrating on work, home, and my son should at least help me get things done. Save on cell phone usage. Give me time to work on my tan, and go on a diet. And anything else I can find to keep my mind so busy I don't have to think about anything. Maybe I need a third job.
I guess I can't say I don't feel anything... I feel pain at losing him, I feel stupid at getting involved in the first place, (although I would do it all over again even knowing it doesn't work out, just because we had so much fun together), I feel like I won't ever trust myself again, which means I won't ever get involved with anyone again. Not for quite a few years, at least. Maybe I can use my son as an excuse, at least until he grows up.
Buffalo, you don't have to worry about me being fixated on any man again. I think I will start that club I have talked about before... The "She-Woman's Man Hater's Club". LOL No, I don't hate men, most women usually find someone eventually, but I am just not one of those women. I'm tough, though, being alone won't be too hard for me.

Another hiatus?

Well, I told Andy that we can still talk on the phone, still be friends, but that we needed to stop "seeing" each other until he got the rest of his life worked out. Looks like it will be back to just taking care of my son, working as many hours as possible, and doing housework for awhile. Although Andy is getting things straightened out pretty fast. She has moved in with her mom completely now, and he is getting things straight for filing for divorce. With 4 kids, it's not going to be an easy road for him.
I guess I won't have as many entries,for a while at least, work and housework don't make for very interesting reads, I'm sure... LOL.
I will be moving in with my mom for a couple of months, so I can get my bills paid without having to file for bankruptcy, so that should be interesting. This computer is my daughter's, so I will try to get mine fixed so I can still read all the blogs I seem to have become addicted to... LOL... And make and entry once a week or so, just so you know I'm not totally dead...

I am just now starting my housework for today. It's 10:16 am,86 degrees, 54% humidity, and I have no AC. I should have got up about 5 am to do all this stuff...lol
I was at Rhonda and Allan's until 1 am last night, though. Rhonda, her daughter Ashley (who is 21) and I were out in the backyard laughing and talking and man-bashing. It was a good night. I don't know what I would do without all the people I hang out with at R & A's house. They are closer to me than my own family.
I have to work at the bar tonight, starting at 4. Hope they don't keep me there too long... I am seriously thinking about just quitting that job. I only work once or twice a month... 3 or 4 hours at a time, $6 an hour. It's really not worth it, I don't think. I would rather have that time at home or with friends.

Roots

Check this out...
I think the group Sugarland has spent time in my hometown....

"Fly Away"
by Sugarland

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I'm waitin for my chance.
I'm gonna break away.
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I'm supposed to be.

[Chorus]
Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

Well most folks here well they don't dig too deep.
They can't dream too big... ummmmhmmm...
cause they've got fields to keep
I could walk away and leave my family.
Or get buried alive in this legacy.

[Chorus]

I wanna sleep under a different piece of sky
I wanna live a little bit before I die
I wanna be so close to heaven I see angels...

[Chorus]

Fly away... fly away...

It's a really great song... I should have heard it 20 years ago. Now, though, I seem to be wanting to be one of those person who has "fields to keep". I cherish my families ties to the land, and just like when I was a little girl, I would still love to be a farmer's wife... Harvest is coming up, and even though I have only lived farming through spending time with my grandparents, there is this feeling you get when your crops are all harvested and safe, I saw it in my Grandparents, and I see it now in the farmers who are regulars at our store... I have inherited the love of the land from my grandparents, and great grandparents, and great great grandparents who all earned a living from the land in this county.
I used to wish that I could go out and see the world, but I think that at this time in my life, the need for that has passed, and I am really starting to put down roots, which is something that I fought against for years. I seem to be getting old, or something....

Life too content?

I think I have bored my readers (the few that are left) to sleep... The lonesome wind seems to be blowing through my stat counter...
Maybe with no Hawk in my life it is too boring... I miss him, I crave him at times, but I don't know when (or if) he will be back... One never knows with him... Besides, I really see a solid future with Andy, and I don't know that I should get involved with Hawk again... Sort of like taking up drugs again once you have gone through rehab and have been doing well without them...
I am more content now than I have been in years... R is getting ready to leave my house permanently, my son is doing well (even though they have decided to hold him back in kindergarten again next year, *sigh*) I found a great registered daycare provider to watch him this summer, my job is going well, I am able to at least pay a payment on each of my bills every month (keeping my head above water) I have great friends,especially Allen and Rhonda, who introduced me to Andy, and Andy is the best thing in my life right now... I have so much fun with him...
I think I am going to move in with my mom for a few months though... This little 500 or so square foot house is costing me $300 a month in electricity... There are 6 light bulbs in the entire house, most of which are energy saving ones, a stove, refrigerator, computer, TV and VCR/DVD player... No reason for these outrageous bills. The city has put a new meter on my house twice, and the bills are still that high... Staying at mom's house for a few months will help me have that $300 a month to pay down my bills a lot quicker... It will be fun, too, I think, most of the time although I don't know how it will effect my social life... Luckily Allen and Rhonda love kids, and love my son, and he loves going with me over there... there are almost always other kids running around to play with...
ANYWAY... I am grateful for the readers I have left,(I seem to have a very faithful reader in Salina, Ks... would love to know who that is!) even though my life right now seems really boring when you are on the outside looking in...

Never mind

Well. the manager that was leaving has decided to stay... Looks like I won't be going away...
I told Andy, and he actually looked relieved... Then said we could go ahead with our plans of taking several days of my vacation to go on harvest with him in Oklahoma...
I am glad too, because 6 weeks away from him was going to be too much...
The district manager told me that he appreciated the fact that I was going to postpone my vacation plans to go work in the other store for him, and that he would remember that the next time a store came open... So I got some good results, even though I didn't go...
Another reason it's a good thing is that I didn't want to miss Memorial day weekend, all the festivities here in town, and my 20th class reunion. I have never gone to any of my reunions, and this time I am going.
<><><><><><><><>
You know, Buffalo's questions made me realize that I really like my life. I think this is the first time in my life I really have liked my life. Isn't that strange? I'm having a little bit of trouble paying my bills, so I would appreciate a little bit more money, but my life now, and my future, looks pretty darn good.
Contentment is a good thing.

Questions from Buffalo...

Buffalo left me these questions on his blog,(see here) and I am posting them here, too...

What attracted you to Pagan Spirituality?
The main attraction is the connection to the earth... And the ability to be a solitary practitioner...

List 3 positive benefits of living in BFE, Kansas.
Benefits...
1)It's quiet. I am listening right now to the sound of the morning doves and other birds coming in through my open doors.
2)I only have to drive a few blocks and I am on a dirt road out in the country, where I really love to be.
3)There are lots of people here who know me, who have known several generations of my family... This whole town feels like a family to me...When I moved back, old people I hadn't seen in years told me they were glad to have me home.

If you could magically change one thing in your life what would you change?
That's a hard one. I really enjoy my life. I would say that I wouldn't have married R, but then I wouldn't have my great kids, and we did have some great times. I guess I would change my career... To something that I could work at 8-5 M-F and still make enough to pay the bills... Spend more time with my son. I would really love to change one thing in Andy's life... Have his divorce be over, so that he and I can work on our relationship.

What is the hardest decision you have had to make?
I think this going away for 6 weeks for work has turned out to be the hardest one I have had to make in a long while. I don't really want to go, I will only see my son once or twice a week, and it scares me to think of running a store that I have never been in, with employees I don't know... And I will miss Andy like crazy...But it is going to be great experience career-wise, and it will be good for Andy and I to spend this time apart so he can get his divorce figured out, and make up his mind what he wants to do... Absence makes the heart grow fonder...?

If you could go back in time to meet your 13 year old self what advice would you give her?
Don't let other people's opinions guide you in your opinion of yourself. Don't get married young. Get out and see the world, go new places, do new things... Don't let fear run your life. Oh, and when you get to be a senior in high school and get offered a trip to Paris to study art for the summer... DON'T PASS IT UP BECAUSE YOU THINK YOUR BOYFRIEND WON'T WAIT FOR YOU!!!

Holding on

We talked for several hours last night. He begs me to hold on, tries to make me see he has to give her one more chance. I feel like a complete fool.
I won't give up on it yet, I know how good this could be... He knows it too. He just has to get through everything else.
Six weeks in a strange town, surrounded by people I don't know, living out of an impersonal motel... I think that is going to be good for me right now, I hope the DM gives me the job. I need to get away. Work 12-18 hours a day, sleep the sleep of total exhaustion every night...
I told him that when he told me about all the dreams he has about what he wants to do in life - that I really believe in them too, I believe in him, and know he can make it all happen... He said he really believes me, but his wife doesn't even share that with him.
I can't let go of this... He begged me for more time, to hold on... And I will.
It just hurts so much.
all afternoon yesterday, and evening, and the entire time we sat in my car talking, it was pouring... several inches fell... Lightning, thunder... And today, in the wake of my heartbreaking, the day is cold, heavy grey clouds in the sky, no wind... foggy. The weather seems to match my life perfectly. I told him this morning on the phone that I am glad the sun isn't shining... I want the whole world to feel my pain.

STILL HOLDING ON
Martina Mcbride
(with Clint Black)
There's something out there left for you
But it's not me
We've reached a point of no return
it's only right I set you free


I know I'll have to turn away
But there's nowhere for my love to go
And there won't come a day
When I won't honor what we've vowed

CHORUS
But I'll go on with my life
We can even say goodbye for now if
If that's what we have to do
But here in my heart
When my arms are empty darlin'
I'm still holdin' on to you


We can't deny that this one's
Out of our control
Stronger than the both of us
And bound to take its toll


I can stand the test of time
And as far as I can see
There are no walls that we can't climb
Standin' between you and me

(REPEAT CHORUS)

And there's a place you'll always be
No matter where you are
You're here with me
When the world is turning upside down
Together we can stand our ground
We can even say goodbye for now if
If that's what we have to do
But here in my heart
Even when my arms are empty darlin'
I'm still holdin' on to you

I'm still holdin' on to you...

And finally, the other shoe drops....

Andy and his wife are trying to decide whether to work it out or not... Things there are really heating up... He is totally confused. So when my district manager offered me the job of running a store about 100 miles from here, I said I would consider it. I told Andy that it would be easier for him to think, and to figure out what he wants if we aren't seeing so much of each other. We also need to slow down, anyway. He wasn't quite sure at first, but he realized that I was right - as long as we can still talk on the phone, and see each other occasionally. I told the DM that I didn't want the store permanently, but I would run it until they found someone... Probably about 6 weeks. Company is going to pay my motel, and up my salary.
Andy asked me this evening how I was going to feel if he and his wife did work things out... I thought about it, said I'd just be shit out of luck, and told him I would eventually get over it. Eventually.
This scares the hell out of me. I haven't been this scared in years. I am so crazy about him. We could be so good together...
I have been told before that I'm not the kind of girl that men want to marry. I'm too independent, too honest... Maybe they are right. Maybe I should just concentrate on my son, and my career and to hell with men. I've said it before... I have a sign on my forehead that only men can read... It says "Use me and Lose me".

Cruisin' through life....

I spent from about 6:30 am until 3:30 pm yesterday with Andy in the truck. Had so much fun! He is so fun to hang out with, I can just be myself without worrying what he's going to think...

Was supposed to have the whole weekend off, but Keith called me and said his mom is coming today, and could I work the 4-midnight shift for him?? *sigh* I can never say no, I do need all the hours I can get, so I'm working it... Oh well, I can't see Andy on Sundays, might as well work... I have tomorrow off anyway, I think my son and I are going to go hang out at Rhonda and Allan's house after school (I think Andy may be able to be there in the evening, too!) Was supposed to go to a wedding reception last night with them about 60 miles away... Rhonda's sister's wedding... I didn't really feel like going, Andy couldn't go, and I wasn't invited to the wedding so I felt a bit funny showing up at the reception, although I do know most of Rhonda's huge family.

Andy told his parents about getting things ready to file for divorce. That's a good thing, he wouldn't tell them if he wasn't serious... His parents aren't too thrilled with their current daughter in law anyway... His mom only asked that he wait until after school is out so that his kids can go with their mom when she moves in with her sister in another town...
Rhonda and Allan and several other people tell me I have nothing to worry about... But until Andy and I are "together-together" and he is divorced from *her*, I won't breathe easy...

I don't want to go to work,... That 4-12 shift is the one I hate the most...*sigh*
guess I should go get some things done, before I have to go... I did spend some time with my mom today, since it's mom's day... My son made me some really cute cards in school... My daughter spent last night and today in Pratt, won't even hear a happy mother's day from her...*sigh*... Oh well, I am used to it...

Hope this blog hasn't got too boring for ya'll... Funny the direction my life has taken in the last few months...

PS: Just got through reading "Blood Canticles" by Anne Rice... Why is it that everything I read about Lestat makes me crave a Hawk fix??? It made me REALLY miss him... Note to self: stay away from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles!!

Scattered thoughts on a cold wet Sunday......

Remember me telling ya'll about Will from South Carolina? He calls me several times a week, and I thought we were just friends now... But since I have told him about Andy, he has been trying to get me to move to South Carolina... Tells me he will build me a house... lol
If Andy backs out and stays with his wife, I may just bail and take off to South Carolina... Although my son would be better off here... Would I leave him with his dad? I don't know if I could ever be selfish enough to do what's best for me at his expense...
Although staying here, seeing Andy, would kill me...

Things are actually going well with Andy... I have been working 12-16 hours every day for the last 3 days, but every evening I have been meeting Andy at our friend's house and cuddling on the couch, watching TV, talking... We have so much in common, it's amazing...
I have the next three days off, I'm going to work on my housework that I have been neglecting... Spend time with my son.... I might get a chance to see Andy tomorrow night, but Tue. And Wed. I probably won't ....
Our friends invited us to go to a wedding reception with them, music, dancing, but Andy probably won't be able to make it, so I don't think I want to go either... I need to spend all the time I can at home when it's not possible to see him...
R is in the process of moving out... I want to go through all my stuff once his stuff is out of the way and pitch just about everything...LOL Pitch everything I don't absolutely love or use... And deep clean the whole house... I need to work on my finances, too, get the bills in order... I have been so scatter-brained lately I forgot to pay my loan payment (the one I had to get to pay off the repairs on my car) this month... I never forget, sometimes I don't have enough to pay a whole bill, but I don't forget!! Oh well...